Tomorrow...

Tomorrow's the big day. As I've said before, I've never had "open" surgery. I'm scared about not making it through it, I'm scared of the pain afterward, I'm scared they're going to open me and see that the surgery won't do much good, etc.
The surgery will take approximately six hours and then I will be in the hospital from a week and a half to two weeks.
I saw my wound care nurse today and she made me feel better about how things are going to work from now on, so that's one "load" off of my mind.
I just want to skip, I don't know, let's say the next three days. That way, they'll have my pain under control and the healing process can begin.
I'm trying not to be a wienie about all of this but it's difficult. I know this is for the best and if all goes well, will keep me with my friends and family for many more years to come. But, as I said, I'm scared. I probably won't get much if any sleep tonight, which means guess what? Yep, my mind racing and freaking me out more.
At least my surgery is really early in the morning. Bad for anyone around me and my early morning crankiness but good because that means we can't get "pushed" due to other procedures.
I have had a huge outpouring of love from the people around me as well as from "back home". It makes my heart feel good that so many people love and care about me and are helping us out during this difficult time.
Thanks to all of you for your love and support. Once I get home (fingers crossed, soon) I will update you on "The Going's On".

Just got scheduled

My surgery is scheduled for November 27, 2012, 7:15 am at Baylor Hospital in Grapevine.

So that means three more weeks to freak out! I don't know what exactly to expect, I'm terrified that somethings going to go wrong, pain everyday until then and a different type of pain afterward.

Hopefully there will be no complications and everything will come out and get rerouted like they want to. There's going to be a lot of lifestyle changes, I get that, and hopefully those who care about me will be patient with me during this transition.

waiting

It took me over a week, but I FINALLY made the call to my doctor's office on Friday to see what needs to be done to get things rolling on my surgery.
I've been procrastinating because even though I know it has to be done for me to live, I'm fucking (sorry) terrified. I've never had surgery where they have had to cut me open and now, not only am I being cut open but it's one of the most major surgeries someone can go through that doesn't involve the brain or heart.
I'm just waiting for them to call me back to let me know if I have to do any sort of counseling or prep work beforehand.
I don't really like posting to Facebook all of my personal bullshit, however, I will continue to post my blog as much as I can to keep everyone up to date.
Thank you all for you continued support, love, thoughts, best wishes and prayers. Every little bit helps.

Halloween Party

We had one of our most fun Halloween parties to date on Saturday night. We had around 20 people come over and I don't think some of us have laughed that much in a long time. I was a night that was needed, enjoyed and will continue to be cherished.

This is me (as a Sheriff) hanging out with our "Grumpy Gramps" that kept waking up and scaring people because they didn't know he was animated.

We had a lot of great food (with hardly any leftovers). We did some of our old favorites such as stuffed jalapenos and sweet & sour meatballs; as well as add some new hits such as tenderloin cups and crab rangoon puffs. On the table of above shows most of the food we had.

The biggest hit (other than the hosts, costumes and food of course) was the new furniture with the fire pit. I hardly ever got to sit down because other than mingling with my guests, once someone got a seat on the furniture, they wouldn't move. Later, once it got down to just a handful of us I finally got to sit for a while. I can see why people wouldn't move, that set if REALLY comfortable and it's really nice with the fire going as long as you keep the lighter fluid away from certain people. 

I had a lot of help with setting up both the decorations, cleaning the house, food and cleaning up the table after the party. Now is the unfortunate time when I get to continue cleaning the house, take down all the decorations and put them away by myself. Everything got put up in 1 1/2 days, taking down with no help might take me a week or so. Oh well. It's a small price to pay for the great time had by all especially me.
I'm so fortunate for the people in my life and the love that they continue to show me. Hopefully they will help my scary future better knowing what it's worth.

If you already had or have gone to a Halloween party this year, I hope you had as much fun as we did and made it home safe. If Halloween isn't over for you, be safe and watch out for the monsters ;)

Love to you all!

PET results

Saw the doctor again yesterday. The PET scan showed that the cancer is localized and has not metasisized elsewhere in my body, so that's good news.

The bad news is he still says that the large surgery is my only option for survival and he recommends doing it as soon as possible.

Ron wants me to go to MD Anderson but I told him I want to stay here in town because that's where most of my friends and family are. He understands.

I have a really long road ahead of me, please be patient with me as I try to heal and forgive me for I know are going to be some really bitchy days.

Thanks for all of your love and support, keep it coming!

bad news

I saw my oncologist yesterday and he confirmed that the cancer is back. I can't have radiation because they did it so aggressively last year that it caused too much scar tissue. I could have chemo again but he said that it would only slow it down a little.
So here are my options.
I can leave it alone and have less than a year to live.
OR
I can have surgery called Total Pelvic Exenteration. It's approximately a 12 hour, highly extensive, highly dangerous procedure that involves a full hysterectomy, my bladder and colon removed and two ostomies are created, one for urine and one for stool. Which means wearing bags for how long the surgery gives me to live.
Obviously, we are going to get 2nd and 3rd opinions. But from the reading I've done, this procedure is recommended for recurrent, advanced cancer.
Obviously, I've been a total wreck since yesterday afternoon when I found out. I have a PET scan today. Which if it's spread more, might make things worse. Last year, a lymph node and my tail bone "lit up" under the PET. The radiation was supposed to kill all of the cancer there but it hasn't been checked except for CT scans (which came back looking fine). So keep your fingers crossed that the PET doesn't show anything other than the cervix lighting up. Because if it does, I might not have any options.

surgery/results

Ok, so I had outpatient surgery last Thursday. My oncologist went in to get a better look and do some biopsies. The good news is, my bladder came back fine. It's still painful but he is chalking it up to scar tissue from the radiation.
Now for the bad news. My nurse told me that microscopically, my cancer is still there. I go see the doctor on Monday (15th) to discuss what's next. For sure, he will be doing another PET scan to see where we stand.
I just don't understand. The past 2 1/2 years have been so hard. I've lost both of my parents and dealt with this cancer bullshit. I know I've become a stronger person because of it, but damnit how much stronger am I supposed to get? I've lost friends in this process but I've also gained some. I've been on the other side, I know people don't know how to "handle" the situation and feel like they have to tiptoe. But I am still me. I just happen to have cancer. I go into this with the attitude that I'm going to kick the cancer's ass so that one day, I can be considered a survivor instead of a patient. I know I'm rambling but obviously, today is not a great day.
Thanks for "listening" FUCK CANCER

Love to you all.

unexpected Dr.'s appointment

Ok, so I got a message Thursday night about me having an appointment with my Oncologist on Monday to go over the CT results from a couple of weeks ago. Let me tell you, it made my weekend horrible. Thankfully, my sister and husband were both here to keep my mind off of things.

The good news is, the CT didn't show signs of cancer. BUT, since my six month checkup still came back abnormal, he wants to get a closer look at things to make sure the cancer isn't coming back. Which means, sometime next week I have to have out-patient surgery to do some biopsies.

I hope everyone is doing well. Love to you all.

Scared

My doctor had me have another CT scan two weeks ago. My doctor's called and said that I am required to come in and see the doctor on Monday morning. They won't tell me anything over the phone but the nurse on call kept saying something about me coming in for surgery...WTF? What surgery? What's going on? I wish someone would give me more information. Instead, I have to wait and worry and be scared all freaking weekend. I have no idea why I had to have the CT, I have no idea why it took two weeks to go over the results, I have no idea what they have to tell me on Monday. He said per my checkup that there were no signs of cancer so what else? I hate not knowing and now I have to sit here and think of all of these different scenarios all weekend. Can I have a fast forward button?

a year & a half

I went to the doctor last Monday.
So far, so good is what the doctor says. No signs of cancer. I'm just waiting on the results of the test to confirm what he said.
I go back to get another CAT scan and check-up in February. I guess for the next few years I'll have to get used to stressing out around Ron's birthday as well as mine.
I just wish things would go back to "normal".
I can't complain. "A world with less cancer is a world with more birthdays". - American Cancer Society
I am fortunate to be having another birthday tomorrow. I am fortunate for my husband and the rest of my family. I am fortunate to have the friends that I do that love me despite all of my faults.
Thanks to those who have helped me these last couple of very difficult years. I don't know what I would have done without your love and support.

Take time and call your parents. You never know how long you have with them.

Love to you all.

Been a while

It's been a while since I've been on here. I didn't want to do a bunch of really small posts.
Father's Day was really hard on me. I was extremely emotional. I kept tearing up at the smallest things because I was missing both of my parents so much. I wish I could pick up the phone just to hear their voices. Everyone out there, please keep in touch with your parents and grandparents, you never know how long you have with them.

Good news, because of my sister being diagnosed with breast cancer before her 40th birthday, I have had a couple of mammograms since I was in my early 30's. My last one was this week. Everything looks great and I do not have to go back until I'm 40. YAY!

I have been working on my cookbook. I got a TON of cookbooks from my mom's collection which added to the TON I already had. So, now, I'm compiling all of them into one big book. Plus, I've added some family recipes. It's a lot of work but, hopefully, one day, it will be done enough where I can print it out and then add recipes to it as I find them. It will take a long time thanks to Pinterest.com. I keep finding stuff on there.

I decided that I was going to learn how to make tamales. I knew it was going to be a lot of work but what I didn't know was that Ron would get stuck on them and want me to keep making them again and again and again. LOL I've made them with beef, pork, chicken, and veggies. I tried shrimp but it didn't work out so well. I've been making them almost every other weekend for a couple of months. At least I've had lots of practice. HA

I haven't been doing much scrapbooking, but I've been doing other crafts. Again, thank you Pinterest.com. LOL. I've made a holder for my iPhone for when it's plugged in, a teabag wreath, a couple of coupon books, and have more projects that I'll be doing soon.

I guess that's all of the little tidbits I have for now. Sorry if it sounded as if I was rambling. I hope everyone is well.

Love to all!

.

Family Reunion/Reminder

Sunday we went to Runge to my cousins' house for the reunion for my maternal grandmother's family. My dad used to smoke the briskets every year. Since he passed away, Ron offered to do it. He was such a hit that everyone told him that he was hired to do it every year.
We hadn't been able to make it in about 9 years. It was great to see everyone and catch up with them.
Here's where I need your help: when I was growing up, there were a lot more people that would come to the reunions and we would do skits, events for the kids, etc. We would like some modern ideas to get people excited again. We have a year but any ideas would be welcome.

On another note, my heart is heavy for Scott Bartee, a guy that I went to high school with. He lost his wife yesterday at the tender age of 35 and is left with a hole in his heart and three small children. I received an email from a friend, Sherry, with a reminder to everyone. With her permission, here is what she said:

"For those of you that do not.......please do not think that you are to young to be thinking about those things and not think about it (that's exactly what I have done). You all know that I work for an attorney and I see this almost daily wherein a family looses a loved one and they don't have a Will, etc....or a family member gets sick and they don't have a POA or Medical POA and are too sick to sign one. Don't wait until a tragedy occurs to you or someone you love. Sit down....talk about these things....get them done! Having all these things done and in order will prevent your family and loved ones from going through difficult times having to deal with it for you when they should be helping with your medical needs or grieving for you."

Even with everything that I have gone through, I have not completed my will. I know, I'm bad. Even though my husband knows my wishes, I need to put it down on paper. Thank you Sherry for giving us this great reminder. You never know what's going to happen from one day to the next.

Love to all, I hope you are doing well.

2 years

It's so hard to believe that it's been two years since I lost my Mama. It's been a long, hard two years since she's been gone. There has been so many times that I wanted to call her. Whether it be to tell what was going on, or just to hear her voice. Luckily, I can hear her voice saying my name whenever I think of her. Hopefully, I will never forget.
For those that don't know, last month, I lost my Daddy. He had a tough time battling cancer over his last several months. I believe that if he would have better doctors (especially his primary care physician) he would still be with us and getting better. However, he is no longer in pain and it makes my heart feel good knowing that Mama and Daddy are back together. They were married 48 years when she passed but they had known each other since they were ages four and nine. Mama always said that she stayed married to him for that long to get back at Daddy for him picking on her so much when they were children, and she wasn't close to being finished getting back at him. LOL Now, she can continue her life's work.
I saw a quote yesterday that said "Love your parents and treat them with loving care. For you will only know their value when you see their empty chair." It really hit home. You never know what you have and what you take for granted until it is no longer there.
I'm sorry if this post is sad. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.
Take care of one another and love one another. If you are still fortunate to have your parents or grandparents, give them a call.
Love to you all!

1 year later

I had my one year checkup yesterday. Aside from damage in a couple of places from the radiation, they say I'm doing well, and so far, no signs of cancer. Woo Hoo! I don't go back for another six months and no more scans for one year.

I can't believe it's been a year. Of course, it's been a long one but I would go through this hell again if it meant being cancer free.

Thank you all for your love, support, well wishes, thoughts, prayers etc. I know I couldn't have done this without you to give the strength I needed. I'm sorry that I lost some people along the way, but apparently it was time to "put childish things away" and they weren't true friends to begin with.

Ok, I'm off my soap box.

Hopefully, from now on, this blog will serve as just an update into my now boring life ;) and occasionally a place to give you guys some awesome recipes.

I hope everyone is doing well. Love to all!

Santa Fe Shrimp Cocktail

Since I made it a couple of weeks ago, I've had many requests for the Santa Fe Shrimp Cocktail. It's SOO yummy. I typically do not like cocktail sauce, but with this stuff, I become a piggy. So here you go, enjoy!

Santa Fe Shrimp Cocktail
1 jar (small) mild salsa
1 avocado, chopped
1 tbsp Frank's hot sauce
1 tbsp lime juice    (I left this out)
1 tbsp cilantro
1 lb shrimp (cooked, peeled)
1 c French's fried onions
1 lime, wedged  (I left this out)

Combine salsa, avocado, hot sauce, cilantro, & lime juice (if desired).

Your choice: you can either layer your shrimp then sauce in a cocktail glass (i.e. margarita or martini) OR mix shrimp and sauce together, both are fine.

Microwave fried onions for 1 minute, sprinkle over shrimp cocktail.

As you can see, this recipe makes a lot. From what me and hubby noticed, it will last for up to two days in refrigerator.

I hope everyone is doing great! Love to all <3

1/26/12

I got my results from my CT that was done yesterday. My nurse said that my doctor saw some colitis (inflamed bowels) so he wants me to see a Gastrointestinal doctor. They are thinking that it is due to all of the radiation that I had. This isn't the first time my Oncologist has mentioned me going to a GI doctor. He has said before that it would probably be needed. So, Monday I go for a consult. Hopefully, everything will be fine and I will not require further testing. I go back to see my Oncologist on Feb. 13 for my year follow-up. Here's hoping everything stays on the "up and up."

I hope everyone is doing well. Have a great weekend!

1/24/12

I have my follow-up CT scan tomorrow. I love irony. On the contrast that they gave me to drink, it says "begin drinking two hours before test...please do not eat or drink anything six hours prior to test." I'm hoping that the results will be good and that I don't have to undergo any further treatment. I'm still recovering from last spring's treatment. Of course, if further treatment is needed, I will do it with my head high so to hopefully kick this cancer in it's ass! Everyone is doing great. For those who do not know, my niece Julia had her baby December 13th. CJ was a big boy weighing in at 9lbs 4oz and was 22in long. Mom and baby are doing well. Ron's staying busy at work and of course being my personal chauffeur LOL. Every once in a while, he will bring up getting me a car, but I keep telling him it's not worth it for the little amount that I would drive. I hope everyone is well and happy. I will keep you up to date.

New Years'

Ron and I have decided that this year will be MUCH better than 2011. He sang The Dance to me at midnight and made me cry. I don't go back to the doctor until February; SO, let's hope for some smooth sailing and good results from here on out.

Thank you all of your love and support this past year with EVERYTHING. I don't think I could have made it with out you.

Here's to you and yours, hoping and wishing that this year will be one of the best for us all.